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"TAKE A BITE OUT OF
THE BIG APPLE" - This promotional slogan started a new picture for
New York City
who used to have the reputation of a very dangerous city. Don't go there,
you are being ropped, they
used to say in the old days. New York changed a lot since then and became
target of many tourists
and business. Nowadays New York is a very fascinating city, a city that
is hated and loved.
Three sections show the results of my one-year-stay in Big Apple. Experience
New York gives a small
and sarcastic idea of touring through Manhattan. For "repeat offenders"
there are in the second
section a few insider tips, To do or not to do in New York!
WARNING: The two following
sections point out my opinion about what I experienced in New York and
are
a little bit sarkastic and exaggerated. If you have a problem with that
and tend to overreact or if
you have no sense for humor, please do not read any further.
Midtown Tour
We start at Times
Square. First it is a good point to start, secondly we should
start with the biggest tourist trap and last we should start at a point
that
every stupid tourist can find. And we start here with a little test of
courage:
In the middle of Times Square where Broadway
and 7th Avenue crosses, we get a
great view over the buildings; if you can escape the taxis who love to
play:
Run over pedestrians! Besides those nice electronic shops, whose sales
agents
are more experienced in stupid tourists and credit cards than the stuff
they
sell you find some very impressive buildings such as luxery bunker Marriott
Marquis.
Marquis, just turn right, follow Broadway until 42nd, then turn left). This road is marked by big
constructions: The Conde Nest building that rained bricks 1998 during construction stands right at
the beginning on the right hand side, then the WR Grace Building on your left and further down the
Grand Central Station and the Chrysler Building. Turn right down third Avenue and go again right
at 34th Street. This will bring you directly to the Empire State Building (ESB). If you hate
queuing for hours, you should at least prefer getting up early. Small eyes or long legs are you
options if you would like to go on top.
Next we walk up Fifth Avenue (that would be left if you're coming out ESB!). The avenue is also
called "Lady's Mile" because if are accompanied by a woman, you will be broken afterwards. Besides
luxery shores there are other things to admire such as Bryant Park, Rockefeller Center with GE
Building, St.Patricks Cathedrale and Trump Tower. At Grand Army Plaza we are done with the vallet
horror and we are standing in front of the Plaza Hotel, known from and seen in movies such as
"Kevin-Alone in New York" and "Crocodile Dundee". By the way we are located at the south-east end
of Central Park (down left). We start our walk in the park and listen to the sound of musicians,
skatesdriver and screaming walkers. At the south-end of Jacky Onassis Reservoir we exit Central
Park and start walking down on Central Park West (left side of park!!). We will find here the
American Museum of National History and the Dakota House, where John Lennon has been shot and
where stars still live. At the Columbus Circle you get the last chance to stand in horse shit,
because we leave Central Park and walk down on Broadway. We see some musical and show theaters
here like the David Letterman Show. We end our walk at Times Square.
Downtown Tour
We start, where everything
got started (very intelligent sentence!!): Battery
Park
was the beginning of settlement Manhattans. We find here an old fort where
tickets
for liberty island are sold nowadays (I don't think I have to mention
what is on
liberty island, don't you think??). A trip to the statue of liberty is
worth the
trip just because of the view to the skyline of Manhattan. If you like
to go
straight to the head of Miss Liberty,
you need again to queue for hours. If you
like to lay down her feet instead you can do that without queuing and
can use the
elevator.
Customs House are located. Further up you can find a post office as you never saw one: It is located in
an old church! We walk up until Trinity Church and turn right into Wall Street (yes, it is the famous
Wall Street where the city wall used to be and where the N.Y. stock exchange is located today). Little
hint: If you keep on looking back you can make good pictures (or land on your nose if you do it while
walking!!). At the end of the street, we turn left into South Street and walk as far to Peck Slip.
There you cross the street (take attention to taxi drivers) and you are at South Street Seaport. You
can find here restaurants, shops, old sailing ships, an excellent view on Brooklyn Bride and a good
occasion for a lunch.
If you walk up Fulton Street as far as Nassau Street, then right, we are standing in front of Woolworth
Building and a few other interesting buildings. Further you find the ramp to Brooklyn Bridge. If you're
not contemplating suicide I recommend the little extra trip on top of the bridge. If too tired you can
skip it of course because we will continue our trip at the beginning of the bridge. We walk up Park Row
until Chatham Square and turn into Mott Street which brings us right in the middle of Chinatown. Not a
nice spot of vegetarian but for all fans of electric devises (you can make a good deal here). We cross
Canal Street, go left and turn right into Mulberry Street. Little Italy is not that big anymore but
especially in summertime you can find here still piazza atmosphere. At Broome Street we turn left and
cross Manhattan (well, almost) as far as Thompson Street. We turn right and find ourselfs in the middle
of artist neighboorhood SoHo. Galeries are a Must here and you can find some really weird stuff (see
further down "To do or not to do in New York"). Right in the north of it you find Greenwhich Village;
a good place for going out in New York. You have a big choice of bars and clubs. We end our tour at
Washington Square Park.
OK, so how about some funny stuff between?
Letter of complaint to a New Yorker Hotel:
Dear Signor Diretorre
Now I am tella you the story how I was treated at your hotella. I am comma
from Palermo as touristo to New York
and stay as a young man at your hotella.
When comma in my room, I see there is no shit (sheet) in my bed. How can
I sleep with no shit in my bed? I
calla down the receptione and tella: "I wanna shit (sheet)!"
They tella me: "Go to the toillet!" I say: "No, no,
I wanna shit in my Bed!" They say:"You betta not shit in your
bed, you sonnawabitch!" What is sonnawabitch?
I go down for ristorante for breakfast. I order bacon and eggs and two
pisses (pieces) of toast, I getta only
one piss of toast. I tella waitress and pointed to the toast: "I
wanna piss (piece)!" She tella me:"Go to the
toillet", I say:"No, no, I wanna piss on the plate!" She
then say to me: "You bloddy fella, do not piss on the
plate, you sonnawabitch!" Second person who do not even know me and
calls me sonnawabitch. What is sonnwabitch?
Later I go dinner into ristorante. Spoon and knife is laid out but no
fock (fork). I tella waitress: "I wanna
fock (fork)!" and she tella me:"Sure, everybody wanna fuck!"
I tella her:" No, no, you don't understand me. I
wanna fock on the table! She then tella me:"So, you sonnawabitch
wanna fock on the table? Get your ass out of
here!" So I go to the receptione and ask for the check. I no wanna
stay in this hotella no more. When I have
pay the check, the porter say to me: "Thank you and peace on you!"
I say:"Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch!"
I go back to Italy. I never more comma stay in your hotella, you sonnawabitch!!
To do and not to do in New York - a few insiders for freaks!
To do or things I loved in New York
The Stoned Crow
A pub for freaks, who just like a good juke box, a pool table and a very
special atmosphere. Old pictures
on the wall of musicians and actors and New Yorkers at the bar. New York
classic. Where it is? Mail me!
Evolution
A shop for freaks. This store in the middle of SoHo sells bones, teeth,
skeletons, stones, stuffed
animals and other weird stuff!
Restaurant Row
A street of freaks. It's a nick name of a street in midtown Manhattan,
where you can find one restaurant
after the other. Making your decision can be hard because you will find
a big number of restaurant from
different contries and cuisines.
The Lake
A place for freaks is located just south of the Jackie Onassis Reservoir
in Central Park and is THE
place to meet all kind of artists and people. Some are dancing, some are
singing, some are doing some
artistic rollerbalding stuff and others are listening and watching. Great
for all who just like to enjoy
a day off.
The View
A lounge for freaks. It is a rather touristy place, but it is still worth
it. This bar is located on top
of Marriott Marquis hotel and circulates around (very slowly of course),
while you are having your good
night drink...
Not to do or things I hated about New York
Never trust
... some ticket agent at
a subway station. You cannot see how long a Metro Card is valid on the
first
sight. You pay, you get it and if it was the wrong, no money is returned.
You have to check and
make sure it is the right one even if you hold up the queue.
... some banks. Account
statements should be checked all the time. You will be surprised how many
errors
you find on them. Sometimes they "upgrade" your account because
of so called better benefits - and
for twice as much fees! They don't ask, they just do it!
... some green lights at
a pedestrian line. Some taxi drivers oversee it and if you then in front
of their
car, you better get away. If you are hit, bad luck and if not, he will
get you. The green light does
not matter in a case like that, above all if you are tourist.
... some sales agents of
those electronic stores like those on Times Square. Even if warned many
times, a
lot of tourists loose their money. If you insist on buying something there,
just check your credit card
receipt very very carefully. Check for any spaces before or after the
amount.
